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Chinese Christmas cracker makers outsource jokes to Miranda Hart
Such fun!After over a century of using exactly the same jokes in Christmas crackers, Chinese manufacturers have hired comedienne Miranda Hart to provide new jokes. In keeping with her TV series, all...
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Police confirm recycling boxes not invading, just blown around by storm
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the...
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Dear Haroldites…
Now stop eating and go outside for a lovely, healthy walk. With every good wish, The Evening Harold Team
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Eddie’s Christmas Speech
“Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin This past year has been an interesting one for The Squirrel Lickers and I. We have welcomed many new drinkers,...
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Husband asks wife whether gift of Christmas sex comes with exchange card
Never ask whether Christmas sex comes with an exchange cardThe marriage of prominent Harold café owners Dominic and Pippa Delaney is under strain after Mr Delaney responded to his wife’s offered gift...
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Local man still ‘quietly confident’ of completing all 2013 New Year’s...
Somewhat ambitious Harold resident Gavin Barker spoke to journalists this morning of his confidence that even though only a single day remains in 2013, he will still manage to achieve his perhaps...
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DJ creates ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’ by mixing music from Cliff Richard’s...
After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’ Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect...
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Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had
Getting your suitcase may take a while Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product. “When I got the Christmas lights down from the loft,...
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‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey
You are what you eat. This is Connor Harris. Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey. Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already...
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Scientists create ‘Enigma II’– powerful enough to decipher greeting card...
Scientists working at CERN say they have made a breakthrough that will have an affect on all our lives. “We have finally developed a computer so powerful it can decide greeting card prices codes” the...
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Village’s ‘World of Poo’ attraction closes after ten minutes
The smell of Christmas A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints. Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the...
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‘Trend towards two-turkey Christmas’ claim turkey farmers
A Christmas dinner, yesterday. On-trend families will present two turkeys for dinner this Christmas, according to experts at Britain’s turkey farms. While one enormous, dry bird might have sufficed in...
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REVEALED: Every window in Russell Brand’s advent calendar contains Russell Brand
Window 24 portrays the first coming, with a prostitute given by his father. Russell Brand has revealed that every single window of his advent calendar has been blessed with his own presence. “And...
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How to enjoy, or at least survive, the office Christmas party
The party season is in full swing, and even if you’re not a natural party animal our essential guide will help you find your inner beast. Although the annual bash has moved away from the office itself,...
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Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas
Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection. Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times...
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Harold abattoir’s ‘Winter Wonderland’ closes after 3 minutes
‘An unforgettable experience’ warned a psychologist. A ‘magical’ winter wonderland staged in Harold’s only abattoir has been closed by police after less than five minutes. Families watched a bored elf...
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God arrested in historic sex offence inquiry
Victim said she would ‘probably keep the baby’. The Lord God Almighty has been arrested by detectives investigating the historic impregnation of a virgin. Following an anonymous tip-off, the supreme...
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Unwanted Christmas arguments put for sale on eBay
Overcooked turkey and rock-hard Christmas cake was still making its way through the nation’s alimentary canals when the first of many unwanted Christmas arguments was put for sale on eBay with a £1...
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Sudan famine victims ‘may not survive another night with no PlayStation Network’
Disaster relief experts have warned that the thousands of displaced famine victims in war-torn South Sudan ‘may not survive’ another night with no access to Sony’s PlayStation Network (PSN). PSN is...
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